I hate myself so much right now.  Why have I spent the last several days stuffing myself full of food–to the point of nearly throwing up?

I’ve worked so hard to lose 55 pounds and now I seem hell bent on gaining all the weight back as quickly as possible.

It’s like I can’t stop sabotaging myself.  I say I want to lose the 64 pounds I still need to get off, but my actions are speaking way louder than my words.  The 4 burgers, plate of pasta, ice cream, half box of cereal, chips, and candy I ate yesterday have certainly added up to many more points than the 28 a day I’m allowed on Weight Watchers.  Today, I haven’t done any better.

Am I afraid of losing the weight and being successful at it?

It seems like it and I HATE to admit that.

I don’t why I think it’s okay to go back to the way  I was, unable to climb a flight of stairs without sweating and getting out of breath, with high blood sugar, high blood pressure, and barely able to fit into size 24 clothes.

I need to find my way back to sanity and to find the desire to dig in and persevere at weight loss.

Those negative voices in my head….well they’re winning right now – telling me I can’t do it, that’s it too hard, that I’ll always be fat even if I say I don’t want to be, and that I don’t deserve to be thin.

It’s definitely not my best day.

I know I have to decide how bad I want to lose the weight and have to decide if I think I’m strong enough to fight through this.  If I really want to lose the weight then I need to throw away the rest of the brownie I have sitting next to the computer and start again….now – not later, not tomorrow.

I’m scared.

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