Several months ago I had the brilliant idea to start this blog in the hope that writing about my weight loss journey would help me be successful. And, I also thought that maybe reading about my “trials, tribulations, frustrations, and successes” might help other people. And, in my noble thinking I thought, “If reading my story helps just one other person it will be worth it.”
It sounded great in my mind but has been a lot less great in theory. Finding the time to post to this blog isn’t the issue I’m facing even though it may seem that way since I’m not posting every day like I think I should be.
My problem is that I’ve been either stuck with my weight loss efforts since May or have been sliding backwards into the horrible world of “gaining weight back” and it doesn’t feel inspiring or helpful to write about how horribly I’ve been doing for the past 6 months. The truth is it’s hugely depressing.
I’ve read over and over again that writing about something can be cathartic and can help a person be more successful in what they are doing. It makes sense. When I’m always writing down what I eat I lose weight. When I write down what I’m spending I stay within my budget. So wouldn’t you think that writing about my weight loss journey would help me be completely successful? So far the answer to that is a BIG FAT NO! (figuratively and literally).
I’m sure writing about weight loss helps some people because I’ve read the journals of others who have been successful. I’m just wondering if I’m one of them.
So here I am at a crossroads. I’ve gained 7 pounds in the past 2 weeks and can feel it in how my pants fit, and strangely I can feel it in my neck (my double chin has gotten bigger). It was also painfully obvious to me this morning when I bent over to tie my shoes and felt how my now bigger stomach was in the way. I so don’t want to go back to where I was (over 50 pounds heavier, pre-diabetic, wearing clothes 4 sizes larger, unable to climb a flight of steps without getting out of breath, and having absolutely zero self esteem).
But, at the same time I feel powerless to stop this backward slide. I skipped my Weight Watchers meeting this morning and it wasn’t because I couldn’t face what the scale was going to tell me. I’ve had weight gains before and got through the pain of them and back on the losing track. I couldn’t face the other members who are being successful right now and knew I couldn’t feel happy for them as they announced how well they are going with their weight loss. Saying that makes me feel like a horrible person but it’s the truth. I just don’t want to hear how someone else lost 6 pounds this past week.
So instead I’m sitting here at Starbucks drinking a latte (didn’t completely go off the deep end – it’s a nonfat latte sans the whipped cream) and feeling sorry for myself.
I know that whether or not I win this friggin battle of the bulge is completely within me and that the only way I’ll succeed is if I find the strength to do.
Today I’m not feeling very strong though. Today I just feel like giving up with both my weight loss efforts and with continuing this blog because it doesn’t seem like it’s helping me so how could it help anyone else?
About dorrie
Recent Comments