I recently started thinking about why I sometimes sabotage my weight loss efforts. I’m not talking about when I zone out and eat without thinking about what I’m putting in my mouth (such as when I’m at a party and am standing near food when talking to people). I’m talking about days when I know I’m overeating but I just don’t just don’t care.
Yesterday was a good example of the bad way I sometimes treat myself. I ate 2 candy bars, a whole box of 100 calorie cheese balls, one 100 calorie pack of mini Chips Ahoy cookies, half a box of Honey Nut Cheerios, and 2 cans of Mountain Dew – all after dinner.
I knew exactly what I was eating and I knew how many calories I was putting in my mouth. Yet, I didn’t care.
Today I’ve had some time to think about why I ate so much. At first I was really mad at myself but I knew it wasn’t good to dwell on the anger because there’s nothing I can do about it now. Focusing on my anger would only had led to me getting so upset that I probably would have gone on another overload of food because using food to deal with my emotions is one of my downfalls.
So I decided to do my best to take a step back and try to calmly think about why I ate so much.
I started by thinking about the reasons I want to lose weight which range from wanting to be healthier, to having more confidence, to being able to get out and do activities that are difficult or impossible when a person is heavy (really want to go on a canopy tour and ride a zip line in a rain forest in Costa Rica), to fitting in a movie theater seat comfortably, and to being able to wrap a bath towel around myself without having any of my personal “real estate” showing.
After I was certain losing weight was still important to me I decided to try imaging myself as a thin person in the hope that it would help me clearly see that it was a goal I didn’t want to keep sidetracking myself from.
The minute I started imaging myself as a thin person (and again now as I’m writing about it), I started feeling sick to my stomach and felt scared.
The last time I was thin was when I seventeen years old. I’ve never been a thin adult and have no idea what being one will be like, which scares the crap out of me.
When I lose the weight will people start to notice me in a good way and not look away when they pass a fat person on the street? Will they actually talk to me? Will I actually get one or two admiring glances from men when I’m no longer hidden in fat? And what happens when I can’t use my fat as an excuse to not do something?
In my adult world I only know me as someone who is overweight. Even though I’m less overweight than I was a year ago and have finally felt like I could actually achieve my weight loss goals because they no longer seem so daunting and impossible, I’m still overweight.
But now that feeling of being able to lose the weight is being overpowered by a huge fear of the unknown. I don’t know what it will be like to be a thin person on a day to day basis. Yes, I want to be healthy and do what other normal sized people do.
At least I think that’s what I want. But honestly it’s kind of like walking though a door and not knowing where you’ll be once you cross the threshold.
And the scariest thing is that I didn’t even realize how scared I was by actually getting thin until today. I realize I’ve completely shoved that feeling away by eating. I knew something I couldn’t put my finger on was bothering me last night and I tend to be an emotional eater, but last night I didn’t think it was an emotional issue because I couldn’t think of anything that was bothering me or stressing me out other than the fact that I was shoveling tons of food in my mouth.
I have a Weight Watchers meeting tonight and I know I should talk about my realization that I’m afraid to keep losing weight. I hope I can.
But as dumb as it probably sounds, I’m afraid to talk about my fear because if I say it out loud then I have to find a way to deal with it. I’m not sure I’m ready to do that.
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